Look back at your life a year ago??? Have you learned a lot in the past year? A little? Are you maybe a little lighter/heavier than a year ago? How about your looks, more gray hairs, wrinkles? Maybe you have had a great year......What about those goals you set at the New Year??? Have you reached any of them? Abandoned them all? Made new ones??? Why am I asking all these questions???
I am coming off of probably the hardest year of my life. Harder than losing 2 grandparents within months of each other, harder than suffering a miscarriage, being diagnosed with cervical cancer and being told after treatment for it I would never have children (by the way God proved those doctors wrong). It's been a VERY rough year. Almost a year ago, the small town I live in was rocked by scandal and a member of my family was right in the middle of it. A year ago, I was hurt, bitter, angry, betrayed and I felt completely alone. But one thing I wasn't was broken! I've always been a very strong person. It's true, you can ask anyone! I don't ask for help, I don't back done from a challenge and I am stubborn in what I want. My mom called me strong-willed from birth and my mini-me has those traits as well. I never knew how strong I was until this past year. But in the midst of scandal and betrayal, I had a few verses in my life that helped me through it.
Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."
Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him and he will make straight your path."
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you."
When the scandal erupted, I had few friends to call and check on me or even talk to me. They say in bad times you find out your true friends and it is so true! People I thought were my friends wouldn't even look my way let alone say something as simple as "hi!" My children became outcasts in our town, talked about, gossiped about etc. The one thing that kept coming into my head was "I don't understand.....I didn't do anything wrong, my children didn't do anything wrong???" However, I had to move past that and I had to make some serious decisions regarding my life and my future. Where did I turn for this? My father....and let me tell you it wasn't an easy task either! But my dad I swear seems to have a direct line to God. If I ask him to pray for something, he does and I usually get a response to whatever I'm needing. Now not always the response I was looking for but we all know God doesn't always give us what we want. So I turned to my daddy and I asked him what do I do? How do I handle this? His response was to pray and he would pray for God to speak to me. So of course I did what my dad said and I prayed and one thing has been repeated to me over and over and over this past year........just one simple word stays on my heart.....FORGIVE. Jesus tells us several times in the bible we have to forgive those who've hurt us, those who've wronged us and we have to forgive as he has forgiven. Forgiveness is NOT an easy thing. I struggled for a while with this task I was given. To forgive everyone who hurt me from the ones close to me to the ones who just gossiped about me. I also had to teach my children to forgive. Not to be clear, my 2 younger children have no idea what happened but my 2 older children were exposed to the fall of a man they held dear to them. And if I was going to teach my children how to forgive, I had to lead by example.
This past year has been a blessing as well. I've become a better mother, I've told my children the dangers of trying to grow up to fast, to go with the flow of what other people are doing. I've expressed to them that when they see something going on that they know isn't right, they need to speak up to stop it before it gets out of hand. You see, this whole scandal could have been avoided if months before when people knew what was happening had spoken up before it got out of control. I've also learned not to ask why me??? Why not me??? Obviously there was a reason why God put me in this position. I read several books this past year and the one that got to me the most was "Every Heart Restored" there were 2 points in that book that took the air out of me and made me stop asking why me! First point was this "God may have created your marriage in part for the messy work of helping Him heal your husband's wounds, of assisting your husband in his journey to Christian maturity." Second point "God may have picked you to be the central figure in this work of restoration from the very beginning. How do you know this marriage isn't among God's highest dreams for your life?" Wow, talking about making me stop in my tracks.......I've always maintained that God put my husband in my life for a reason. I've questioned God a few times because being married and trying to raise children with good Christian values is difficult with a man who doesn't not believe in God but doesn't have a relationship with him. I can't tell you how many times in 13 years I've prayed that God would help me reach my husband and have him give his life to Christ. Well, turns out, God did that without my help. God turns a mess into a message and a test into a testimony! I honestly can't sit hear today and wish that the past year hadn't happened because out of this horrible time my biggest prayer has been answered.
I've also learned people can change. When someone who has been walking a life that doesn't have Christ in it and finally accepts Christ the change is breath-taking! Now, it's taken a year to get to where I am today where I feel like I can post this blog. But the only way I've gotten to this point is because I finally listened to that one simple word and I forgave........There's a new song by Matthew West called forgiveness and the lyrics are powerful! Here's some of them:
"It's the hardest thing to give away, and the last thing on your mind today, it always goes to those that don't deserve. It's the opposite of how you feel when the pain they caused is just to real it takes everything you have just to say the word......Forgiveness, Forgiveness.
It flies in the face of all your pride, it moves away the mad inside it's always anger's own worst enemy. Even when the jury and the judge say you gotta right to hold a grudge it's the whisper in your ear saying 'Set it free'....Forgiveness
Show me how to love the unloveable, show me how to reach the unreachable, help me now to do the impossible....Forgiveness
It'll clear the bitterness away, it can even set a prisoner free, there is no end to what it's power can do. So let it go and be amazed by what you see through eyes of grace the prisoner that it really frees is you.....
I want to finally set it free, so show me how to see what your mercy sees, help me now to give what you gave to me...Forgiveness."
Powerful words right??? Forgiveness is a powerful thing. I can honestly say I can hold my head high and let go of the things I hear about myself. For the record, I am NOT a weak person......I have come through the hardest year of my life and my faith hasn't been weakened, it's been strengthened. I have learned who my true friends are and I don't feel the need to try to live my life according to how other people think I should. I make my own decisions in life and no one should judge me because they don't walk the path I walk, they haven't weathered the storms I have been in and I am living my life according to what I feel led by God to do. Gossip is gone from my life. Now when someone tells me something, I THINK T-is it true? H-is it helpful? I-is it inspiring N-is it necessary and K-is it kind? I never realized exactly how hurtful gossip was until I was faced with all the absurd stories that flew around about myself and my family......most untrue and I saw how people changed the way they treated me based on what they heard through the grapevine. Funny thing is, the friends that showed up at my lowest time in my life are a few I figured would be there and a few I never would have imagined......I've forgiven all those who hurt me and it's such a powerful feeling to let that go. I pray for those who were involved and I pray for those who hurt me. I will not spend the rest of my life being bitter or angry. I choose to let those feelings go and let the love of God flow through me. I have been blessed with so much that I have decided to dwell on the good in my life and let go of the bad.....Let go and let God.
Hope you all have a blessed day! Until next time, I pray you find peace in your life.
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