Hello world!!! Hope you are all having a great October! I'm participating in a 12-week online bible study about a book called "Calm My Anxious Heart" and I'm loving it. I have dealt with anxiety issues for a long time. I can't tell you how many times I've woken up in the middle of the night with a racing heart because my mind won't rest or how many times I've struggled just to fall asleep. Some of the issues I deal with are being a good mother, a good wife, my busy schedule and trying to fit everything in, and of course finances. I think as women we feel like we have to control everything but actually we just need to "let go and let God" and realize He will always provide for us. The past 3 weeks I've felt like this book was written just for me! Like the author was talking directly to me. How does she know I deal with these issues nearly every single day and she is telling me how to be calm and not anxious, where has this been all my life???
This weeks chapter is on being content with my role in life. My role in life is a full-time stay at home mom and wife. That means dealing with a moody teenager, a moody preteen, a energetic boy, a kindergartener and a husband who has been working tons of extra hours lately and it's hunting season (hello hunting widow). There are days when I feel pulled in so many different directions that stretch armstrong has nothing on me! The book talks about 3 different women with 3 different lives and each wishing she had one or both of the others' lives. In my life, I have found myself in the same situation. Some days I wish I could just get away and take a nice long break from the drama, chores, laundry etc. Or I wish I could go back and do some things differently. When one of my older girls thinks I'm the worst mom ever or the evil step-monster I wonder if I made the right choice or handled the situation correctly. I think in life we all think wow that person sure is lucky to have that kind of a life.....vacations, no kids, the single life etc. Don't misunderstand me, I love my life, my kids, my husband and I have no desire to not have any of them in my life! But I found myself this summer when my kids were fighting with each other constantly counting the days until school started......then school started and I wanted summer break again.
God gave me this life I have. He put me in this life for a reason and some days I wonder what was that reason???? I'm learning through this book to be content with what I have. Why wish away my kids' childhoods??? Before I know it, they will all be grown and out of the house and starting their own lives and families and I will be wishing they were little again. My son turns 9 this weekend and I can't convince him he isn't allowed to turn 9 he has to go back and be 7 again.
I believe God put my in my stepdaughter's life for a reason. She needs me to be the mother figure for her. It isn't easy....I hear at least once a month that she hates me, she doesn't want to live here anymore if I'm here etc. It's hard to hear this and more than once my husband and I have had discussions about it. It normally only comes up when we are in a typical teenage fight. I remember fighting with my mom when I was younger, it's part of life except she thinks she has an out. However, her mother, father and I are on the same page in that we believe this is the best place for her and for her to be able to have the best chance at a good future. She knows I love her like she's my own and I'm not ever going to give up on her and I'm not going to let her give up on herself either. I'm going to push her to give her all in everything and work with her to make good decisions. Special K and I have some of those lovely arguments, I swear it's like history repeating itself not just from 3 years ago when B was going through this stage but 20+ years ago when my mom and I were going through this. The difference is Special K has no choice but to learn her lesson and move on, take the punishment and learn from it.....she doesn't have an "out". My two youngest kids frustrate me when they just leave their stuff laying around and don't pick up after themselves and I find myself counting to 10 sometimes 20 or 50 in order to not totally freak out.
I am embracing my role in life. God gave me these children to raise and he gave me the tools I would need to raise them in His word. Instead of looking forward to the day when they are grown; I'm going to embrace them now and focus on today. We are not promised tomorrow, tomorrow belongs to God and before we know it, tomorrow will be today and we will look back and see today as the past. I don't know about you but I don't want to constantly live with regrets.
My role in life is also as a wife. There have been a few times where I've struggled with this role. But in the end, God put me in this life for a reason and every day hasn't been a fairy tale......but as my now 12 year old daughter told me almost a year ago, Everything happens for a reason and sometimes we don't know that reason until we are older but God doesn't make mistakes, and HE always helps us through the tough times. She actually shared those words with me after I'd shared them with her so that lets me know although sometimes it doesn't feel like things are sinking in, they really are. We are faced with struggles every day. But they don't have to be struggles. Instead of asking why me???? we should ask why not me??? God isn't going to give us anything we can't handle. And when something feels like it may be too much, that's just God's way of getting us back to him. In every situation, we need to say, "ok God, I know you know the plans for my life and I know you are going to help me through this, I'm going to give this to you. I know you are going to take care of me and you are going to bring me through this and I'm going to look back and know you were with me the whole time."
I relied on these words many years ago. Picture it, I was newly married, pregnant for the first time, husband has emergency surgery to remove his appendix when we were supposed to be attending the wedding of a good friend. I was all alone, no family, very few friends etc. Husband gets home from hospital and I wake up in the morning to blood. I lost the baby and in the weeks that followed it was discovered that I had cervical cancer. The only thing I every wanted to be growing up was a mom so this was devastating. The doctors told me I'd never be able to have kids. So, husband and I made a new plan, I'd go to school and get my degree in accounting and we'd discuss other options in the future except I felt like a failure, I felt like I had my dreams ripped away from me and I was in a bad place emotionally. Hubs and I were fighting constantly and it looked like we weren't going to make it and I hit my knees and asked God to show me his will, asked him how he could take my dreams from me??? Well, we decided to take it one day at a time and I prayed for a sign. My 6 week checkup after surgery showed I was pregnant! The doctor gave me all the negatives....you probably will lose the baby in first trimester, probably won't carry full-term, could hemorrhage and die during delivery, etc but all I wanted was to focus on this happened for a reason. God granted my deepest desire and I conceived. Well, that pregnancy ended up being the greatest birthday present I could ever receive. I was blessed with 2 other children as well each their own individuals and each with their own special qualities. So, instead of wishing I could have something else (even just a fleeting wish), I'm going to embrace the gifts God has blessed me with. I'm going to embrace my role in life and I'm going to focus on being the best wife and mother I can be. And instead of being anxious about my life, I'm going to just put it in God's hands. God will provide for my needs and when I'm feeling anxious I'm going to pray for God's peace.
I encourage you to learn to be content with your role in life. It isn't easy. I woke up this morning feeling slightly crazy because B has cross country meet at 4 today and K has volleyball game at 5 and I've only gotten to see B run cross country once this year and it kills me......her dad has made her meets so she has had someone cheering her on but I want to see her run....well the catch is B's meet is in a different city than K's games so I'm going to be picking up T-man and M early from school, rushing to B's meet then basically as soon as she finishes rushing back to school to watch K play volleyball and then cheer. But unlike in the past, I'm not going to beat myself up if I miss 10-15 minutes for K's game. I'm going to just do the best I can to be there for both of them and not freak out like in the past. B told me I didn't need to stress out making her meet since her dad would be there but I know she would love to have me there and K told me not to stress out if I miss part of her game. Then both told me they know I'm their biggest cheerleader!
I love my crazy, busy, beautiful life God has given me and although sometimes when life gets a bit too crazy for me, I close my eyes and picture myself sitting on a warm beach, relaxing with a good book in my hand, I wouldn't trade a moment of this for the world. I'm going to thank God every day for the life he has given me, the ups and the downs and know that there's nothing I can't handle when I have him leading my life. I'm going to live for today. I hope you all have a wonderful day and if I can pray for you, just let me know!
Making the most of my precious role,
Kathy
